{"id":194,"date":"2004-11-10T02:46:00","date_gmt":"2004-11-10T00:46:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/?p=194"},"modified":"2004-11-10T02:46:00","modified_gmt":"2004-11-10T00:46:00","slug":"larknews-satire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/2004\/11\/10\/larknews-satire\/","title":{"rendered":"Larknews Satire"},"content":{"rendered":"

Marc van der Woude<\/a> posted a couple of funny headlines from Larknews.com<\/a>, a christian satire site. I checked it out, and as a financial controller for a christian charity foundation, I found especially the following one very funny:<\/p>\n

Hellbound man enjoys free church offers<\/strong><\/p>\n

GREELEY, Colo. \u2014 Glenn Birde, 36, a self-described agnostic, has attended more church events in the past year than most longtime believers. His reason: He loves the freebies churches dole out to unsaved people. “He’s gone to ballgames, boat shows, Go-Karting,” says his wife, ticking them off on her fingers. “We hardly ever see him anymore. He’s always running out to some church thing.”
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This summer First Covenant Church paid Birde’s way on a three-day bass fishing trip sponsored by their men’s ministry group. Cost: $250. Oakhill Lutheran let him into their $8-a-head Super Bowl party, and he even won a door prize. Cost: $40. Last winter Birde snagged a free spot at Living Way Baptist’s marriage retreat in the Rockies. His hotel and meals were covered for the entire weekend. Cost: $550.
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“I felt a little cheesy being there on the church’s dime,” says his wife. “But Glenn was excited, and the hotel spa was fabulous.”
\n
In spite of heavy exposure to the Christian message, Birde remains totally immune to evangelism efforts. When people try to convert him, or at least get him to consider the claims of Christ, he just shrugs and smiles.
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“For some reason it has no effect on me,” he says. “I really am in it just for the chips and soda.”
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Some churches have gotten wise to Birde’s ways, but none turn him away.
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“Anytime you give something away, you just factor in that Glenn will be there,” says one assistant pastor. “When people show up for the free stuff, we’ve started to say, ‘That guy’s just Birde-ing.'”
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Birde even rates the churches on their efforts to “save” him.
\n
“Fountain of Life has a pretty good pitch,” he says, referring to an independent charismatic church. “The Lutherans and Methodists don’t really say much about God. The Baptists backed me into a corner and argued with me, so I quit going there. The Unitarians were lame. The Pentecostal place was flat-out freaky.”
\n
Birde cut the interview short to “hit the Nazarene church’s newcomers dinner” \u2014 his fifth this year. \u2022<\/em>
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Marc van der Woude posted a couple of funny headlines from Larknews.com, a christian satire site. I checked it out, and as a financial controller …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","advgb_blocks_editor_width":"","advgb_blocks_columns_visual_guide":"","ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-194","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-algemeen"],"aioseo_notices":[],"author_meta":{"display_name":"Mark","author_link":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/author\/admin\/"},"featured_img":null,"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":false,"thumbnail":false,"medium":false,"medium_large":false,"large":false,"1536x1536":false,"2048x2048":false,"post-thumbnail":false,"bravada-featured":false,"bravada-featured-lp":false,"bravada-featured-half":false,"bravada-featured-third":false,"bravada-lpbox-1":false,"bravada-lpbox-2":false},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Mark","author_link":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/author\/admin\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Marc van der Woude posted a couple of funny headlines from Larknews.com, a christian satire site. I checked it out, and as a financial controller …","coauthors":[],"tax_additional":{"categories":{"linked":["algemeen<\/a>"],"unlinked":["algemeen<\/span>"]}},"comment_count":"0","relative_dates":{"created":"Geplaatst 21 jaar geleden","modified":"Bijgewerkt 21 jaar geleden"},"absolute_dates":{"created":"Geplaatst op 10 november 2004","modified":"Bijgewerkt op 10 november 2004"},"absolute_dates_time":{"created":"Geplaatst op 10 november 2004 2:46","modified":"Bijgewerkt op 10 november 2004 2:46"},"featured_img_caption":"","series_order":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p63Qy-38","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1064,"url":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/2010\/04\/19\/good-news-to-the-poor\/","url_meta":{"origin":194,"position":0},"title":"Good news to the poor","author":"Mark","date":"19 april 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Yesterday I met him again, my friend Nermin. Originally from the Balkan, now living in Almere in a beautiful part of the city. His place has 6 bathrooms, a huge pond and a basketball court. The only problem: it has no roof. And actually, the bathrooms are the public ones\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Blog"","block_context":{"text":"Blog","link":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/c\/blog\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/04\/armeko-100x100.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":291,"url":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/2005\/12\/07\/what-is-god-doing-update\/","url_meta":{"origin":194,"position":1},"title":"What is God doing (update)","author":"Mark","date":"7 december 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Marc posted an extensive report on the seminar of last Friday. You can tell which one of us is the reporter - he manages to write a very clear report on what happened, whereas I can only try... but anyhow. It's worth reading his thoughts.What is puzzling me is how\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "algemeen"","block_context":{"text":"algemeen","link":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/c\/algemeen\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1070,"url":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/2010\/04\/26\/freedom-for-prisoners\/","url_meta":{"origin":194,"position":2},"title":"Freedom for Prisoners!","author":"Mark","date":"26 april 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Last week I wrote a blog called 'Good news to the poor' in which I referred to the verses from Luke 4\/Isaiah 61. This verse happens to be the motto for Athletes in Action's summer outreach to Africa. Good news for the poor, sight to the blind, freedom for prisoners.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Blog"","block_context":{"text":"Blog","link":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/c\/blog\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.athletesinaction.nl\/wp-content\/uploads\/AIA-Voorjaars-Event-2010.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":320,"url":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/2006\/03\/25\/tomas-update\/","url_meta":{"origin":194,"position":3},"title":"Tomas update","author":"Mark","date":"25 maart 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"This is one of the last pictures of Mira before Tomas was born. Just to show how seriously disabled she was at that time (click to enlarge). I think it's quite funny.But I guess you are all dying to see some recent Tomas pictures. Well, here they are - in\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "algemeen"","block_context":{"text":"algemeen","link":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/c\/algemeen\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1443,"url":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/2011\/12\/01\/from-one-hell-to-the-other-and-back\/","url_meta":{"origin":194,"position":4},"title":"From one hell to the other, and back","author":"Mark","date":"1 december 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"It was a lovely, touching meeting with M. tonight. We got to know him a couple of months ago in church; a very friendly, tenderhearted young man with a lovely wife and son. He had found the church by the relentless outreach of fellow church members to the refugee center\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Blog"","block_context":{"text":"Blog","link":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/c\/blog\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1274,"url":"https:\/\/boerenroem.nl\/wordpress\/2010\/10\/12\/cape-town-2010-thoughts-on-ephesians\/","url_meta":{"origin":194,"position":5},"title":"Cape Town 2010: thoughts on Ephesians","author":"Mark","date":"12 oktober 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"The bible book of Ephesians is the focus of the Cape Town 2010 devotionals. Here is my contribution to that conversation. I once heard the story of an American general (apparently the only one) that was made POW during World War II. 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